I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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