The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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