Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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