just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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