so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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