I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
