Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
