At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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