So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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