ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
