When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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