I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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