im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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