Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
