Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
