So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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