Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
