I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
