I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
