In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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