Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
