I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
