a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
