I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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