two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
