Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
