I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
