When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
