Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
