What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
