I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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