I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
