my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
