the new term for farting is butt boxing.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
