so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
