hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think my mom watched the whole time
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
