I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
