She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
