I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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