I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
