you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
