hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
