you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
