I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
