Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
