I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
