In the future we'll all be gay
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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