at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
