I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
