I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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