When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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