Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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